the magic brownies
by RamenKitty
Summary: obi-wan's on the loose, and he's armed with...MAGIC BROWNIES!!! Be afraid! COMPLETE AT LAST! REJOICE!
1. Magic Brownies in the Jedi temple

The magic brownies

Author notes: okay, nobody take offense, rather then these being, " Magic" brownies, lets all assume that the " Magic" brownies are really just brownies from our world that seeped into the Star Wars Universe. Chaos reigns

Title: The magic brownies

Chapter one 

Episode two 

Rating- PG for language

Summery: Anakin backs a new delicious treat that somehow finds its way into the Jedi temple, then into the senate.

Disclaimer- I don't own it, Lucas does, nuff' said. Some made up characters to give the story personality.  Songs off the spider-man soundtrack and Oops I did it again belong to those who they are copyrighted too. 

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Anakin took the baked good from the oven. He inhaled the rich, warm aroma before setting them on the counter of the small kitchenette of the apartment he and his master shared.

" I'll just leave them to cool." Anakin said smiling, " They'll be just fine."  He left to go and meditate.

Obi wan entered the apartment.

                " Anakin!" Obi-wan was very hungry and waiting for his apprentice was making him cranky, " Come on! Lets go get-" he entered the kitchenette and inhaled the dark smoky aroma floating around. His eyes directed him to a large tray with several tiny squares of chocolate colored stuff.  As he reached for one, something in the back of his mind warned him-

" Oh forget it!" he stuffed one into his mouth, " There's no rule in the code about _eating_"

For a few seconds nothing happened.

Then, quick as a wink, obi-wan grabbed the tray and rushed from the room, deciding to share his new found treat with everybody else.

-----------------------------

" Master-"

Anakin was surprised to find that the apartment was empty, and, without brownies. 

This is creepy. He _felt _with the force to make sure nothing had happened to his master.  All he got, was a faint signature that suggested that obi-wan kenobi had been in, taken the brownies, and left.

He frowned.

Then, he turned on his heel and clipped on his light saber.  He remembered what his mother had said about baked goods, they were few and far between for a reason…

He strode purposefully from the room.

------------------------------

Mace Windu was in a bad mood.

                A Padawan had been caught in a disastrous, if not stupid, light saber accident.  He frowned, realizing that they were going to be scrapping Mangafruit off the ceiling for weeks-

Obi-wan was standing in the hallway outside the council chamber grinning like a Gungan.

Uh oh.

                " Master Kenobi." Mace inclined his head respectfully.

" YO! WHASSUP HOME-DOGGYG!" obi- wan raised his hand as if he wanted a high five, " COME ON MAN! DON' LEAVE ME HANGIN-" 

                " Master Kenobi…" Mace did not know how to respond.  It wasn't every day that a good person simply went off their rocker, " Can I…assist you with something?" he watched as Kenobi's gesture changed. 

" Dude." He held out the tray, " This stuff's the bomb man…its like- all we need to see…everything-man." Mace began to back away slowly, probing his friend with the force.

                " The force is all things man…this-this is tight! Good shit! Good shit!" Obi-wan held out a brownie, and said in a perfectly serious voice, " But before I get to that would you like some of this delicious food?" Mace said nothing, taking the small niblit of food and chewing it…cautiously.

----------------------------

Anakin prowled the hallways of the temple.  With the food in hand, his master, mentor, and friend was dangerous.  

An open doorway, not a good sign.

                He peeked his head in and blinked his blue eyes.  Diplomacy was taught by Ada Gallia of the Jedi council, a calm, respectable woman by all rights.  Her class was sitting, stony face while their teacher-

 Oops, I did it again.

I played with your heart

Got lost in a trend

Oh baby baby-

                " Master Gallia-" he paused as the Jedi master twirled her lightsaber handle in her hand, using it like a nightclub microphone.  She began the same line again as he motioned to one of the older students.  A girl of about fourteen rose and quietly exited the class.

" What's your name?"

She paused, " Anora, if I did something wrong I'm sorry…she caught me listening to my music-"

Anakin winced, wondering at what kind of world this poor girl must have come from.

" Anora, this is all I need to know…did you see a tall master, long brown hair, beard, accent, go through carrying-" 

" A brownie tray?" the girl brightened, " Yeah! He handed one to Master Gallia, then took off.  He was babbling something about- the space aliens."

Anakin nodded once and sent her back inside, not knowing anything else to do.

-----------------------

Obi-wan grinned toothily at Kit Fisto who was attempting to climb the wall.

                " I'm telling you!" he pointed, " Frogs CAN climb the walls! Now climb froggy man climb!"  He pointed and the tentacle master nodded.  Nearby, one of the other Jedi Masters was giggling softly.

" YOU!" obi-wan pointed, " Cheese monkey! What is funny-"?

                The master (who was a male human) sniggered, " Didja * snort* ever think  * giggle* that a LIGHTSWORD is such a sexual pun?" he began laughing again as his Padawan looked helplessly on her master, rolling around on the floor.  One of the younger Padawan, who had been sneaking brownies, was barking like a Wookie guard dog and attempting to attack another Padawan. 

His work here was done.

-----------------

Mace Windu was sitting on the ground cross-legged, staring up at his lightsaber, fully drawn.

                " Master Windu!" Anakin ran forward but the powerful Jedi didn't move, he simply stared straight up at the straight blade of the lightsaber.

                " Master- did you see-" he was out of breath.  Having to restrain an initate who was going around proclaiming herself Champion of Love and Justice Sailor moon was exhausting.  That, and the sight of Yoda drag racing every available Master-Padawan team were too much to bear.

                " Its purple!" Master Windu exploded, " Why the Hell is it purple? How does it…become purple? Especially since I used an EMERALD WHEN I BUILT IT!" he switched it off, grabbed Anakin by the shoulders and pinned him too the wall, " HOW DO YOU GET GREEN FROM PURPLE I ASK YOU MAN! HOW! HOOOOW!" 

" Um…they're both secondary colors?"

Mace Windu paused and Anakin took that opportunity to run.  He passed what appeared to be the Jedi Council…(what remained of it) engaged in a game of hacky-sacky with one of the laser balls used to train for lightsaber fights. 

" WOOOOHOOOOOOO!"

He ducked as Master Yoda came racing overhead in his floating platform

" Yours up loser slow!" A Gungan Padawan came racing by on a Speeder bike as the slow truth hit Anakin in a series of shocking close ups and vignette shots.

Obi-wan was OUT THERE! 

And he had BAKED GOODS! 

A sudden chill swept the city.

Author notes: this will be continued. Didja like it? Read and review!


	2. Magic Brownies in the Senate

The Magic Brownies: Part two!

You want more! I'm most pleased…*grins * okay!

Title: The Magic Brownies, part two!

Rating: PG-13 for obi-related humor and sexual content…along with language.

Disclaimer: Spider man does not belong to me.  Neither does surfing, or skateboarding.  Most importantly, Star wars does not belong to me-alas.

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Palpatine lay back, and enjoyed being the boss.

                He did it often, flaunting his power like a professional.  You weren't a dark lord of the Sith, along with the most powerful man in the galaxy without learning to enjoy things as they were.  And right about now…things were perfect. 

" My lord?"

Well, almost perfect-

                " What is it?" his secretary, a D-R172, called " Doris" was as annoying as a Bantha in heat.  She was bronze in color with a high-pitched vox.  The only thing more annoying would be if-

" Sir, Obi-wan Kenobi left you a…gift- he called it.  I don't know what to say, however-" 

                Chancellor Palpatine frowned as Doris rolled forward and placed a dark square of baked good on his desk.  It smelled good, and as Doris walked away he shoved it into his mouth like a cookie, scarfing it down with cookie monster like noises.

He grinned slowly.

---------------------

Obi-wan left Padme's apartment feeling mighty pleased.

                " I will send Milady your greetings master Jedi." Sabe had bowed as he winked at her.  Obviously, he felt, she had been quite pleased with his actions-he had always been smooth.

                " Master!"

Obi turned and let out a girlish shriek, " Eep! The fuzz!" 

He bolted.

                Anakin would have given chase save for the girlish giggling that had suddenly erupted from Padme's apartment.  He felt himself grin, dispite the fact that the galaxy might end depending on his decision.

" Oh Anakin…"

Anakin gulped and turned.

                Padme was beautiful.  Anakin thought her lovelier then any goddess of love in any religion or cult.  Her long brown hair was unbraided, cascading over her lovely shoulders.  She was wearing some kind of slinky moth fiber; wearing a cape made completely of pearls and rubies over it…it wasn't her usual extravagance-however-

" What, never seen a woman before?"

                He stumbled forward, his mind screaming at him, tearing him in two.  He paused, and then gulped loudly.

" Hi…P-Pa-Padme." 

" Skywalker" Sabe poked a slim neck and lovely pale shoulders around the queen, " We need your help."

Dorme, slightly older yet no less sexy poked her head out, " we were wondering"

Corde danced out, wearing what he guessed passed for pajamas, " Who looked better with their shirt off, you- or master kenobi."

                There comes a time in every young man's life where he must take the bull by the horns and charge.  Where the force, god, or the proverbial sprits that is offer that young man the opportunity of a lifetime.  Before Anakin Skywalker, Chosen one of the force, was perhaps the Goddess of beauty and her attendants.  All were seemingly incapacitated mentally, all were appearing willing to see him-as they put it-with his shirt off.

                Force…sexual women, all wanting to see me naked…or…chase after my nutty master…sex, or master, sex, or duty, sex or devotion to the cause that I serve- 

Not even a Jedi could have prepared himself for that choice.  In one quick motion Anakin had his shirt off and was turning like a Devonian model.  It was all of his Jedi restraint that kept him from saying, " Here I am, enjoy." 

" HA!" Corde said, " Pay up Dorme, but I think we all owe Padme for that one. Go soul sistah!" she slapped Padme a high five and counted her money.  Anakin did another turn, and just as it was being completed he felt Padme's weight press against his chest.

" I want you Jedi-man." She looked adoringly into his eyes, " Take me!"

He frowned.

                The look in her eyes hadn't been one of…true love, but lust, brought on chemically.  He felt a flash of anger, which brought him off the high from being wanted by four women at once.

" If somebody sees the senator from Naboo half naked in a hallway then we're both going to get in trouble." He pushed her away from him, " Did you eat anything that Master Kenobi gave you?"

                " Brownie good-" she fainted into his arms.  He swore, picked her up, and attempting to ignore the game of twister going on in the far corner.  Padme had a fairly outdated holo of Spiderman playing, which Sabe was giggling at.   He sighed, and then left his one true love asleep on the couch.

--------------

 Daily proceedings in the senate.

                " Next item is the Scandal of assistant Levy and her disappearance." The senate moderator read aloud, " All new information brought to the floor will be brought before the Chancellor."

Chancellor Palpatine nodded, grinning light a Gungan.

                Two Jedi stepped forward.  Master Loki Rain and his Padawan Jeta Hun were bored with their assignment, and slightly annoyed by having kept waiting so long.  Jeta stood a few feet back, as Chancellor Palpatine gazed at her Master.

                " DAMN!" Palpatine's old face exploded, " So…what Dildo? What in the bloody world? You found her what?" he shook his head, " I'm sorry. What course of action do you suggest?"

                Loki repeated his suggestion and moaned slightly as Chancellor Palpatine stood up, smacking his head on a news droid for GN-Span, the Galactic News network. 

" What a good suggestion!"

Loki bowed and Jeta mirrored him, " Thank you your excellency"

" A groin –grabbing good suggestion."

Loki began backing away slowly.

                " I have an announcement to make!" Palpatine stood up, " I'm going to enjoy dissolving this body! You fat and lazy peeps do nothing but make a lot of noise! Nobody really cares about the issues, and someday, I'm going to be emperor and we're going to have ourselves a little Roman Empire! Not firkin' America's C-span!"

Senator Palpatine dropped to the floor of the Senate chamber with a splat.

(OOC: and there was much rejoicing from Palpatine haters)

-----------------------------------------

Obi-wan grinned and fell.

                Skydiving was always something he had wanted to try, and now, flying through the atmosphere, it was indeed a glorious experience.  Skydiving in the middle of traffic was even better.

" Can I help you Master Jedi?"

" Conducting an experiment with the force!" it was the excuse he had been using on every single cop in what must have been the Tri-County area to explain why a Jedi Knight was periodically jumping off of buildings.

" You wouldn't happen to know what's going on down at the Jedi temple would you?"

Besides my Mischief reaping benefits? Obi thought, out loud however, he shook his head.

" Oh." The cop took on a more friendly gesture, " I wouldn't want to be up there with you guys! Apparently some of the-what-do-you-call-it Padawans was randomly flinging people out of cars with the force." The cop frowned, and then grinned, " Well, we'll put a stop to that! Thanks for all your help!" 

Obi grinned right back, " That's why I'm here." He dove down as the car drove away.

----------------------

Anakin had heard reports of a random nutcase skydiving in the city's main thoroughfares.

It had obi-wan's fingerprints all over it.

-------------------------

Well? Like that did you? More coming! Oh and anything that doesn't look familiar I made up.  Feel free to use! J Also, no pun intended at making fun of Chandra Levy's disappearance.  My prayers go out to her family in this time. 


	3. Magic Brownies and bounty hunters.

THE MAGIC BROWNIES: 3  
  
More of the Magic brownies adventures!  
  
Title: Magic brownies and bounty hunters  
  
Summary: Obi-wan gets captured by Jango fett. Then obi-wan is captured by two cops, then, obi-wan and Anakin duke it out.  
  
Rating: pg-13  
  
Disclaimer: Computers don't belong to me, Surfing don't belong to me, Star wars doesn't belong to me- * sight *  
  
Note: expect cameos! Cameos don't belong to me either!  
  
------------------  
  
Jango was, for the moment, doing nothing illegal.  
  
As a matter of fact, he was busy thinking of something to get for his son for his birthday. A blaster didn't seem right, and the last present he bought had nearly eaten him-  
  
He heard rustling behind some boxes.  
  
Courscant was not without its dangers. Jango drew his blaster and waived it threateningly.  
  
" I'm Armed! Show yourself if you don't want to die!"  
  
" Oh please!" a tall, longhaired man stood up. Jango's first impression was miscreant, until he saw the Jedi uniform.  
  
" Oh please what?"  
  
The man sighed, " Look, you're going to do this." He pulled out a blaster and fired, " Then I'm going to do this" without warning Jango's small silver blaster shot out of his hand, " Then we're going to fight for a bit. Then I'm going to win." The man put his hands on his hips, " So, why don't you just HAVE A BROWNIE! And walk away."  
  
" Jango Fett does not walk away from anything!" Jango exploded. Literally exploded, I mean his silver blaster went off in his hand and began blasting beams of light all over the place.  
  
After the fireworks were done the tall man jumped, almost catlike, and landed atop a box. Jango was sitting on the ground and the tall man was staring pointedly into his face.  
  
" Have a brownie!" the man said in a Gungan manner, then, without warning, he leapt into the air and scampered away into the night.  
  
Jango was left alone.  
  
------------------------------  
  
" Oh what happened?"  
  
Palpatine came too; he was lying on the floor. The two Jedi he had been speaking too were bent over him.  
  
" You fell!" the man grinned.  
  
" And you went splat." His Padawan grinned.  
  
Palpatine couldn't believe it.  
  
" I DIDN'T BOUNCE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
((OOC: and the fans blink and shake their heads _))  
  
------------------------------  
  
Anakin had arrived at Jar Jar's home.  
  
It took all the effort, all the fiber in his body to make him stay his course and not travel down the hall to Padme's room.  
  
The door opened, and there stood JARJAR.  
  
Now the reader will wonder what side effects the brownie had on dear JARJAR. He already is one of the ((OOC: in my opinion)) worst characters in star wars. He's crazy, nutty, and he sounds like Bad Rastafarian.  
  
" Greetings young Skywalker!" JarJar enveloped him in a hug, " I was just about to set down and watch some of my Masterpiece theater episodes on holovision…would you care to join me?"  
  
" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
JarJar frowned, staring at Anakin who had pressed himself to the wall.  
  
" Dear boy, what's the matter?"  
  
" Man, you no sound like bad Jamaican man no more!" Anakin was pointing furiously, " Your voice has a…a…Sonorous quality!"  
  
There was a silence as the two-dollar word sunk in.  
  
" Why my speech impediment removed itself after Master Kenobi paid a visit." JarJar said. Anakin noticed the inside of his room was covered with fake Persian rugs and pictures of humans in weird clothing, " Ah! Admiring my art?" JarJar pointed at a painting, " Fascinating subject, early middle ages on earth…"  
  
"Did Obi-wan give you a…brownie?"  
  
" Yes…the poor man seemed quite distraught. He had about six of them left and he was talking about-Box office grosses I believe. Yes, grosses for something called attack of the clones-"  
  
" Got to go!" Anakin picked up on his master's force trail. Unfortunately, rather then JarJar being annoying or Jamaican when on magic brownies he was simply political analyst boring.  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------  
  
" FREEZE!" said Cop one  
  
" STOP!" said Cop two  
  
" HALT" said Cop one again.  
  
" IN THE NAME OF THE LAW!"  
  
Obi-wan grinned.  
  
" Officers of the law…BROUGHT DOWN BY THE POWER OF MAGIC BROWNIES!" he pumped a fist into the air and stared at the two blue suited humanoids and grinned. He dove out of the way and fell off the building.  
  
Now's the part when I spin my Spidey web and fly to safety with my amazing Spider powers!   
  
Obi-wan thrust out a hand, " Go web!"  
  
Nothing.  
  
" Fly webbing!"  
  
" Go string!"  
  
" Go Spidey powers!"  
  
The truth hit him in a shocking series of close ups.  
  
" OH GOD! WRONG MOVIEEEEEEE-"  
  
* THUMP *  
  
Obi-wan looked up, " I'm ALIVE!" he pumped his fists in the air, " I, feel so alive! For the very first time! I feel alive beside you!" Obi-wan peered into the moon roof to see a man with dark brown hair wearing a suit and a woman with red hair staring up at him. He grinned, flashed a peace sign, and dove.  
  
-------------------  
  
In the car…  
  
Mulder- yet more proof scully!  
  
Scully- Will you knock it off! We know the truth is out there, the fans know the truth is out there, and more importantly, we're in the middle of alien city! There's NO WAY IN THE GREAT PIT OF CANCOON THAT THERE COULDN'T BE ALIENS!  
  
Mulder- it's carcoon, not cancoon.  
  
Scully- oh shut it up fanboy! Just shut it up!  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
Anakin had * cough * commandeered a police car from two * cough * incapacitated cops.  
  
He turned onto the main street as he saw his master fall from a plain black speeder.  
  
" MASTER!"  
  
He dove, down, down, down…  
  
Caught him!  
  
" Good move Anakin!" obi-wan raised his head, " But can you duplicate it for the movie-going audience!"  
  
Anakin pulled over to a nearby school building and landed in the lot.  
  
" Master, I'm taking you back to the Temple." Anakin drew his saber, " And I don't want to do it the hard way."  
  
Obi-wan giggled and began flinging playground equipment at his apprentice.  
  
" There's something you don't know…" Anakin began blocking each IFO as it came  
  
((OOC: IFO, Identifiable Flying object))  
  
" What?" Anakin said contemptuously, " That you're higher then a Corvette on hyper drive? More incapacitated then a Pod accident victim? Sillier then the dialogue in Episode one?"  
  
" No!" Obi-wan cried, " I AM YOUR FATHER!"  
  
((OOC: and there was much explaining to be had))  
  
There was a pause in the fight scene, " Um…that's my line."  
  
Obi-wan blinked, " Oh right. Mah bad!"  
  
Anakin nodded, but before they could do anything further, a gigantic roar was heard.  
  
" Oh my god-" said cop one  
  
" Oh dear." Said scully  
  
" Oh man-" said Jango  
  
" Oh my." Said JarJar  
  
" Oh Shi-" Said Mulder  
  
" IT'S GODZILLA!" screamed obi-wan and Anakin together.  
  
((OOC: by this time the fans were slumped from all the bad fanfic writing going on:)))  
  
-----------------  
  
Chapter three! I know you all just LOVED it :)  
  
More forthcoming.  
  
Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me…  
  
( 


	4. Magic brownies and Godzilla

More Magic brownie adventures! Rejoice all you happy fans!  
  
Title: Magic Brownies and Godzilla.  
  
Summery: continuous harrowing adventures of the magic brownies. Obi-wan and Anakin are interrupted in their duel by…GODZILLA! What is he doing in Courscant? And what effect will the magic brownies have on him!  
  
Disclaimer: By now this should be cursory, I own nothing here unless it seems familiar and copyrighted, sorry.  
  
----------------------  
  
Courscant erupted into chaos.  
  
For the sake of the viewing public who might find this story too offensive, and the carnage of Godzilla too violent, we have shorted the scene into script format.  
  
-The Management.  
  
Godzilla- " ROOOOOAAAARRR"  
  
Various aliens- " AHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
Japanese extras- oh…no…it…. is…Godzilla!  
  
- Godzilla sneaks up behind a very large building-  
  
Godzilla- " BOO!"  
  
Loud crowd uproar- DON'T DO THAT!  
  
- Godzilla knocks over some buildings a'la 50's B-movie style-  
  
Godzilla- (translated from dinosaur) HAH! Look at me crushing puny computer generated buildings when I had my origins in the 50's…before anybody knew what a computer was! Now, I shall laugh, because it is funny! And when something is funny, you should laugh!  
  
-Godzilla proceeds to laugh-  
  
Now that that's over, we shall switch back to regular dialogue.  
  
" HOLY SHIT!" Anakin said, completely forgetting obi-wan," That's a mother' fuckin' dinosaur!"  
  
" Watch your language my YOUNG PADAWAN LEARNER!" said obi-wan making sure to accent each of those words because he knew that they would piss Anakin off, " WE CAN AND WILL DEFEAT IT?"  
  
" Uh…How?"  
  
For a moment, Anakin reverted to his surfer-badboy-I'm-a-chick-magnet look, and began to drool from his mouth.  
  
" Well," Obi-wan said as he strode forward, " Like this-"  
  
But before he could do whatever he was going to do he tripped over some spare * cough * wire cable from * cough * filming, and three of the last six brownies when flying straight into Godzilla's open gullet.  
  
There was complete silence.  
  
Nearby, (since even Courscant residents could not go without entertainment of the themepark variety) was an amusement park of the non- themed-more-county fair type.  
  
At the Amusement park was a ride called " The THING!"  
  
Now the thing looked like a very common earth toy with a wheel and magnetic bars connecting to a handle. The wheel was free falling, connected by two large magnetic bands that held it too the bars. Drawn by the force of pulleys, the wheel went up and down in several motions.  
  
Godzilla, now " Whacked out" on " Magic" brownies, grabbed the ride from the base.  
  
" OOOOOH." Said Godzilla  
  
" AHHHHHH" said the populace.  
  
Needless to say, this went on for quite some time. Because those toys with the wheels are very simple…but VERY addictive.  
  
---------------------  
  
Several hours later (but still nighttime)  
  
Palpatine danced out of the imperial * cough* I mean Republic senate in a pink tutu and grinned at the now whacked out populace.  
  
" My plan," Palpatine said grandly, " Is finally coming into motion."  
  
There was a brief noise as the author appeared in a blaze of glory.  
  
" Really?" she said, " Do let me in on it, I was about to write the next chapter."  
  
There was a pregnant silence as the Author Dragged Palpatine away to have him explain his " plan" to her.  
  
---------------------  
  
" That's it." Anakin blinked and backed away, " It is time to follow suit. For when in Rome…."  
  
Obi-wan was still Staring at Godzilla who was still bouncing the wheel ride up and down.  
  
Without pausing to think about it, Anakin SHOVED the brownie into his mouth and waited.  
  
For a few seconds nothing happened, then, without warning….  
  
WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Anakin grabbed obi-wan's underwear and with a mighty force heave, gave him a force wedgy.  
  
" OWWWIEEEEE!" obi-wan said, " You done man! I'm gonna bust a cap on your ass!" Obi-wan shoved another brownie in his mouth and force wedgied Anakin right back.  
  
----------------  
  
A short chapter! But more forthcoming! Soon to come…  
  
MAGIC BROWNIES AND THE ATTACK OF THE DERANGED, MUTANT, KILLER, MONSTER…FANBASE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Plus more appearances by whacked out mulder and doped up Scully who have NO IDEA as to their purpose in this fanfic!  
  
Merchandising rights!  
  
And FAN SERVICE!  
  
------------------------------ 


	5. Magic Brownies and the fans

Chapter five! Since I'm writing this with Internet connection down, I figure I'll do chapter five right after I finished four:) I'm so good….  
  
Title: Magic brownies and the attack of the deranged, mutant, killer, monster Fans.  
  
Summery: The blow-by-blow description:  
  
A FORCE WEDGY CONTEST!  
  
GODZILLA, LAWYER OR GIGANTIC DINOSAUR?  
  
THE AUTHOR'S TRUE PLANS FOR DRUGGED UP OBI-WAN AND ANAKIN!  
  
AND MULDER AND SCULLY! YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT!  
  
Plus lots of other stuff!  
  
Rating: Pulling out all the stops with this bad boy, this is rated PG-13 for un-a-bashed use of humor to further my own twisted purposes.  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own any of this, this is all just other people's character in my own twisted little brain…but seriously folks aren't you glad I don't own it? Would you really want to see Godzilla in star wars?  
  
---------------------  
  
We have been far with the magic brownies.  
  
They've gone through the temple, and into the senate, but what would happen to the FANS?  
  
A space in time has mysteriously opened due to magic brownie power…and the fans are coming….  
  
------------------  
  
Meanwhile, the force wedgy contest:  
  
Anakin: HAH! (Wedgies obi-wan again) I win!  
  
Obi-wan: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?  
  
Anakin: * pause* uh…  
  
Obi-wan: (Wedgies Anakin) Spongebob squarepants!  
  
Anakin: * little girl squeal * I love that show! I like Patrick!  
  
Obi-wan: Figures.  
  
Anakin: WHAT?  
  
Obi-wan as he gets force wedgied: uh, me too?  
  
Anakin: that's better, now, you're going to come back to the temple and play nice.  
  
Obi-wan: you know that doesn't work. I mean, when have I ever played nice?  
  
Anakin: When Mace- Windu got you those tinker toys  
  
Obi-wan: I WAS SIX YEARS OLD!  
  
Anakin: Yeah right * cough * you still have them in your bedroom! *Cough *  
  
Obi-wan: What about you and your " mommy"?  
  
Anakin: How Dare you? That's a plot device! Do not question the almighty Lucas!  
  
Obi-wan: What? How about the Amidala action figures that you have holed up in your bedroom?  
  
Anakin: I'm a guy! I'm allowed to have action figures! What about you and your action figure of Sailor Moon?  
  
Obi-wan: A filthy lie! You sir, are a disgrace!  
  
Anakin: And what if I am? You and what army is going to stop me from…wait, hold on a minute…how the heck does that work?  
  
Obi-wan: Maybe they should teach grammar at the Jedi Academy?  
  
Anakin: It IS taught at the Academy!  
  
Obi-wan: * blinks * by who?  
  
Anakin: Yoda  
  
Obi-wan: Figures.  
  
-----------------------  
  
Meanwhile, Godzilla was filing the 401k plans for the government workers whilst Palpatine and the author were playing hacky-sack. Everyone else in the city was still engrossed by " THE THING!"  
  
-----------------------  
  
Opened by Magic brownie power, the hole filled with thousands of screaming star wars fans opened wider. Mulder and Scully both watched from their vantage point as men, women, and children rushed through led by a crowd of screaming girls.  
  
Mulder: oh dear, remember the time that happened in our series?  
  
Scully: * shudders * yes, the crème in Langley's hair…  
  
Mulder: * twitch* don't talk about that! That's almost as bad as the love scenes in ATTACK of the clones!  
  
Scully: I liked the love scenes!  
  
Mulder: who's the fan now Scully?  
  
Scully: You are, oh you who-can-name-every-stuntman-for-every-character-in- every-movie-each-starwars-character-has-played!  
  
Mulder: ouch! Feel my lightsaber action! (Pulls out plastic Hasbro lightsaber)  
  
Scully: WE don't have the rights to that fanboy! Put it away before I bust out my COUNT DOOKU SPECIAL LIGHTSABER! (Copyright lucasfilm)  
  
(They fight)  
  
Below them a section of fans were pausing, and wondering what the hell two FBI agents were doing in a story with Jedi.  
  
---------------------------------------  
  
Obi-wan and Anakin stopped their argument.  
  
There was a rumble.  
  
Anakin glanced down, his blue eyes wide with fear as a puddle below his feet began to tremble.  
  
The water shook, like an invisible drop had fallen.  
  
Boom  
  
Boom  
  
Boom  
  
" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
Obi-wan saw it before his young apprentice did.  
  
He had seen it many times before.  
  
The Fan base was on the move.  
  
------------------------------  
  
The Author, being the author, could tell when the fans were on the move.  
  
The Author, being the greedy moneygrubber that she was, saw this as the perfect opportunity to make some quick and easy dough since there were THOUSANDS OF THEM.  
  
The Author duplicated the trademark evil emperor laugh, and proceeded to make her plans.  
  
-------------------------------  
  
Fan one: AHHHH! It's obi-wan!  
  
Fan two: And Anakin! WOW, what an amazing stroke of luck!  
  
Fan 4,500,2345: Why, did anybody happen to notice Mulder and Scully duking it out over on that nearby building?  
  
There was a silence as every fan turned inward towards the offending member.  
  
Fan one: Super  
  
Fan two: Force  
  
Fan Three: Fan  
  
Fan four: WEDGIE!  
  
And Fan 4,500,2345 was thrown into oblivion just as the author came sauntering up.  
  
" Ladies and Gentlemen!" she stood in front of Anakin and Obi-wan, " Here we have two, count them TWO lovely incapacitated Gentlemen! Suitable for putting in fanfiction, or for putting them to work! We'll start the bidding at $20 folks, and remember, all money goes to Lucasfilm!  
  
The fans began to clamber  
  
The Author grinned  
  
And obi-wan began to sweat.  
  
-----------  
  
Gradually the chapters get shorter and shorter, this is ending soon, I promise : )  
  
Besides, I have exams coming…* shudders * 


	6. Magic Brownies and Lawyers

Wow! Gee it seems like a while since I've written in this fanfic-

Obi-wan-we were beginning to wonder when you'd get back to us.

Anakin- Yeah! You actually got the Movie on DVD before finishing the stupid fanfiction!

Existential author character- Hey-I'm you, and even I'm pissed!

Well, I hearby apologize * bows * Its been a few years but hopefully…

You'll still read it yes?

Disclaimer-This is brought to you by Lucasfilm-proud purveyor of crazy galaxies-and large money-grubbing corporation. Also, by the Letter S-for Sorry I didn't finish this when I said I would! L 

Where were we?

Oh yes…

THE AUTHOR! Had obi-wan and Anakin in the grip of dire…urr…TROUBLE!

THE JEDI! Were all whacked out on BAKED GOODS!

THE FANS! Are clambering like starving monkeys TO PURCHASE ANAKIN AND OBI-WAN!

WHAT WILL WE DO?

The author rubbed her hands gleefully.  She'd kept the fans in suspense-making the fanfiction a serial! She laughed evilly.

"Yes…" she rubbed her hands together, "Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen."  The fans were leaping up and down-like zombies in a Resident Evil video game.  Or fans at a Concert.

Fans- WE WANT THE BOYS! WE WANT THE BOYS! WE WANT-

There was a clap of thunder.  Godzilla- (Finished at last with balancing Courscant national debt) roared in terror and fled back to 1950's Japan.

People of Courscant- YAY- we have defeated the gigantic monster, we have slain the monster, and by slaying the monster we have defeated him! We have brought down the monster and saved our town-thereby defeating the-

The readers soundly punished the people of courscant- by heading off to Adult-Fan fiction. Net.

            "This looks grim." Obi-wan had his hand on his lightsaber, "Very grim."

"Really?" Anakin blinked, "Wait-that actually made sense! It wore off!"

You'd figure it would after a few hours. Obi-wan wondered where the hell he was, and why he was staring down what had to be at least a thousand screaming people-all of them dressed ridiculously.

            "Say…" Anakin rose his lightsaber-threatening the fans.  The author was collecting money and taking names, "Do you happen to remember what happened to you in the past couple of hours?"

Obi-wan shook his head.

            "Never mind." The memories, and the videotapes would go for a high price on the Internet, "Its not important."

"Why?" Obi-wan studied his apprentice, "Was it highly amusing-creating a following of loyal fans? (Authors note- I love you all! All my reviewers!) 

"Never mind." Anakin raised his lightsaber, "Well-it looks like they're coming." 

            "If I don't make it." Obi-wan was quiet, "Tell Yoda…he's weird."

"Don't talk like that!" Anakin flipped his lightsaber-a move straight from Darth Maul, "You'll tell him yourself!"

"Think weird am I?" Yoda came speeding by on his little hovering chair, "Kick ass I do-in movie I fight lightsabers."

            "Forget this!" Obi-wan cried, "We need help!"

"Trust force you must." Yoda bowed his head solemnly, "Lucas provide he will."

"Is he making any sense?" Anakin whispered to Obi-wan, "Can't understand him I do!"

Pause.

            "Heard that I did!" the fans advanced closer.  Some of them were now screaming about Yoda.

Fan One- OMG! ITS YODA! HE KICKED ASS IN THE SECOND MOVIE!

Fan 45- IT'S THE FUZZY GREEN PICKLE! YAY! HE'S SO CUTE!

            "Diss not my planet you will." Yoda wagged his finger at Fan 45, "Know few, name translate to Fuzzy Green Pickleworld."

Fan 45- HE SPOKE TO ME! 

Fan 45 promptly fainted.

            "Well…" the fans advanced.  The author was sitting on a large green pile of money, "This looks like the end."

"Should we do the Thelma and Louise ending?" Anakin asked-

QUICKY COSTUME CHANGE-

"Well-" Anakin was behind the wheel- a scarf wrapped around his neck, "This looks like the end!"

"I love you Anakin!" Obi-wan was clutching the seats.  The old car was roaring like a devil.  The two clutched hands-while Anakin gave his Master funny looks.

The camera focused on a hologram of the two of them-smiling-just as the old car went over the edge of the futuristic building.

-------

Anakin blinked, "That was crap." 

The fans continued to Advance.

"I know!" Obi-wan said, "We could do the Resident Evil Ending!

----------

QUICKY COSTUME CHANGE

Obi-wan stood in the middle of the city, lightsaber firmly in hand.  The place was a wreck; dinosaur footprints and brownies were everywhere.

Obi-wan clicked on his lightsaber with a snap-hiss-and the scene zoomed out to the tune of Rob Zombie.

---------

Anakin stared at him, "That was such crap! Where the fuck was I? Why did it involve seemingly darkside music?"

Obi-wan shrugged, by far that had been the best.

            "Okay." Anakin sighed, "We've got one last chance.  And this time, I'm picking the ending!"

------

QUICKY COSTUME CHANGE 03

Author- lets have a big hand for the people in sets, props, and art!

Random behind the scenes workers- KILL US! PLEASE!

Author- QUIET INFIDELS! I AM AUTHOR! I AM RULER!

Ahem.

Anakin stood, waving his lightsaber at Luke.

            Use the Force Luke! Obi- wan was not pleased.  His role was to be an apparently invisible specter hovering at the edge of vision like something out of the haunted mansion.

It was made worse by the fact that he was wearing a sheet.

"How the heck am I supposed to inspire awe in the force in a sheet!" Obi-wan flapped his arms about, "I mean when I' m a shivery ghost its cool-but this is cruddy!"

"Perhaps this isn't the best Idea." Anakin had a plastic mask of his future self over his face, "Sorry."

"You just aggravated them." Luke shut off his lightsaber, " I had to deal with the same thing back in 1977."

"Shut up you." Anakin snarled, "You're no son of mine-you're a silly man who did one good movie and now spends most of his time doing voices on Warner brothers!"

"Really?" Luke turned on his lightsaber, "LETS FIGHT!"

"Boys, quiet or I'll knock both your heads together!" Obi-wan cried-we still has to deal with them!"

------------------

The fans.

They stood, wielding weapons, grinning evilly.  Like a dark presence-the author was behind them-a terrible dark cloud of horrible fan thoughts built a wall around the normally peaceful courscant night.

"We're doomed…" Anakin said in a small voice, "Doomed!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

There was a bright flash of light.

---------

A man stepped out of the light.

He was dressed in a business suit.  He had glasses, he looked rich and important.  Behind him, more people came-all looking rich and important.

"Are…" Obi-wan got to his knees, "You…the midi-clorians?"

            "No." Big Rich important man wiped off his glasses, "I'm much more powerful.  And so is my crack team of analysts, brief writers, and press release personnel."

The author let out a shriek of terror.  The fans all froze.

"I…" the man with glasses spread out his arms, "AM LUCASFILMS HEAD LAWYER!"

There was a shriek-then silence.  The fans had all vanished.  The lawyers had all vanished.  The world was covered with dinosaur footprints, various debris-and confused Courscant citizens.

            "Wow." Anakin took a few steps, "That was impressive."

" I'll say." Obi-wan's face grew horrified, "What if…"

Anakin turned around, "What?"

"What if…Lawyers…do have magic powers? Secret powers…"

There was a silence.

Then Obi-wan began to scream.

------------------

Author's note- NO! It's not the end! Not yet! It's just the long awaited chapter six! The end-"Just Deserts" comes after Easter! Please enjoy. 


	7. Just Deserts

Star Wars-the magic brownies

The final, long awaited, conclusion!

(The author walks out onto screen.  Very visible by all the fans)

Author: 

It is a time of great terror in the Galaxy.  While waiting the third movie-Anakin Skywalker decided to make some brownies that eventually unleashed havoc upon the universe.  Godzilla is demanding payment from the government of Courscant for doing their taxes and setting up a 401K plan and a new set of health benefits.  All had been touched by the evil of the magic brownies…and the lunacy of the fans…and none until now had contemplated-the true horror…

**The day after.**

Disclaimer-

(Anakin steps onto screen-prodded by cattle prod)

Anakin-OWW! LEGGO! STOP SHOCKIN' ME! OWWIE! MOMM! MOOOMMMY!

(Anakin stamps his feet and a very familiar arm locks onto the cattleprod-pulling the author offstage screaming)

Anakin-yes, * cough* the author does not own any of the depicted events, characters, etc.  She is simply a humble author-awaiting her own inspiration for her own fic and PLEASE! GET ME OUT OF HERE! SHE KEEPS ME LOCKED TO THE BASEMENT WALL-

(Anakin stalks Offscreen.  The audience hears, "But I dun wanna wear the bunny-suit" in a very whiny voice, and patiently waits for the curtain to open)

The Jedi Temple.

Quiet, serene-a retreat where only the bravest dare go for meditation, relaxation-and Nirvana.

* Loud Nirvana music begins blaring from Yoda's Room *

Obi-Wan Kenobi awoke.

            "Owww…" he scratched his head, "Cheeseball."  He peered upward at the ceiling of his room in his apartment that he shared with his Padawan.  He coughed-and spat out two dried dead-sticks.

_Oh sith…_

"Anakin?" Obi-wan managed to rise.  He put on a robe and dislodged two naked women from his closet without a second thought.  A man with a lawyer rushed out and began writing a suit against them for sleeping in his closet.

_It must be Thursday. _He had a cousin named Arthur Dent who couldn't get the hang of Thursdays.   Obi-wan was beginning to understand why.

            "Anakin?" he peered out into his hallway.   The floor was literally covered with bodies-many of whom looked drunk-and the worse for wear.  He'd kick them out later-once he figured out what the hell was going on.

Obi-wan entered his living room.  A lizard was asleep on his couch-the words "Godzilla and Associates" stamped on its briefcase in gold lettering.  The lizard was covered in a pile of people-many of who looked vaguely familiar.

He spotted Mulder and Scully.

            Mulder had his arms curled around an alien dressed in glow-in-the-dark boxers.  Scully was drooling out of the corner of her mouth onto Frohike's head.

Obi-wan poked her.

Scully groaned.

Obi-wan _poked_ her.

            " NOT THE UNDERWEAR-" she awoke quickly, as one was apt to do when Jedi mind-poked.  "What the…"

"Hello." Obi-wan tried to be pleasant, "I'm trying to figure out what occurred here."

            Scully blinked, "Here? In Washington?"

Obi-wan did not have the faintest idea what a Washington was.  Perhaps it was some new word for his apartment.  He knew it had a vaguely negative connotation-along the lines of "toilet" in some cultures.

"Yeee…ess… Washington." He nodded, "I awoke to find a Lawyer in my closet chasing two naked women riding a Bantha."

"It must be Thursday." Scully said decisively, "Let me get back to sleep."

Obi-wan watched in disgust as she curled back onto his couch muttering "underwear" softly.

            He took a few more steps-and came across Frodo baggins-sprawled against the wall and snoring like a Dak-Tar in heat.  Nearby, Aragorn and Arwen lay encased in a sleeping bag.

"Frodo?"

Frodo said nothing.

"Frodo!"

            Frodo awoke, "Yes my precious?" he yawned, "What's the time?"

"Morning…listen-sir-I must know.  What happened yesterday?  A lawyer jumped out of my closet riding a Bantha chasing two naked women.  I then asked another party guest, and she told me that Courscant is in fact the grand toilet of the universe!"

"Must be Thursday." Frodo shook himself, "Never could get the hang of Thursdays."

He curled himself back in his cocoon.

Obi-wan blinked and padded onward.

            He came across Anakin sitting next to an anime character.  Beer cans were everywhere-and the cat was swimming across the kitchen trying desperately to make it to the fridge.

Obi-wan lost all patience.

"ANAKIN SKYWALKER! ANSWER ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU SOLDIER! STAND AT ATTENTION!"

Anakin bolted to his feet-his companion-a tall woman with dark hair-groaned and watched a penguin float across the kitchen.

"Yeah what?"

            "What in the name of the almighty force is going on?" Obi-wan cried, "First, I wake up to a lawyer riding a Bantha out of my closet chasing two naked women.  THEN I come across a redhead who proudly decrees that this is a "toilet" planet! Then, I meet a hobbit that thinks that everything is perfectly normal and called me precious! Finally, I come across you-YOU- the chosen one-the Christ figure-TRYING TO DRINK MISATO KATSURAGI UNDER THE TABLE!"

"He won." Misato slurred, "You ought to be proud of such a fine girl."

She fell back and the penguin floated over her head.

            "You really wanna know what happened?" Anakin's voice was calm, deathly calm-and serious.

"YES!"

"No…you don't."

Obi-wan blinked, "I don't?"

Anakin nodded, "Lets just say…brownies are bad."

Obi-wan digested this fact.

            He digested all that he had seen today-coupled with the fact that he could remember nothing of the last twenty-four hours.

"It must be Thursday." He sighed, "I don't think I get Thursdays."

"Now there." Said the cat, as it floated by with one of Misato's beers, "Is a universal truth."

Obi-wan blinked and passed out.

------------------------------------------------

The Author sat back behind her desk.  The Empire theme was playing-just as the source of all evil and creation in this particular universe appeared.

The man

The myth.

George Lucas.

Of course, the fact that he appeared as a gigantic rabbit terrified her.

            "I think." He said quietly, "You owe me an apology."

The author nodded.

"I also think, you owe the fans an apology." The rabbit twitched its whiskers, "For the fans-you need to get your just deserts."

Then the monkeys descended.

-------------------------

Author's note:

Okay, sorry about this taking so long.  You see-you is reading-the final chapter to my saga.  Every character belongs to someone else-and the story idea along was compiled from years of humor.  Every joke, every gag-I adapted.

I hope you enjoy it.

I certainly did, particularly the Thursday jokes.  Douglas Adams was the first author I ever read as a child that I actually understood.  In that spirit, I leave you with this towel-to protect you from the magic brownies.

So long, and thanks for all the reviews J


End file.
